15.10.18

Trying to see through the haze  | Blog 


Tired but sleeping. 
Hungry but not wanting to eat.
So in love with my baby but so overwhelmed by him at the same time.
Kissing and cuddling my baby but then an hour later not knowing how to comfort him and stop him crying.
Having a baby that is crying so much that you forget what quite sounds like and hearing it sounds alien.
Feeling so many emotions that you don’t know how to process them all...
Forgetful.
Sad.
Short tempered.
Grateful.
Protective.
Snappy.
Tearful.
Proud.
Guilty.
So so so in love.
The past couple of weeks have been so tough. Smidge has been going through some kind of developmental leap along side the 4 month sleep regression and teething and it has almost broken me. It has been a haze of tears (from me and Smidge), sleeplessness, exhaustion, refusal to drink milk, worrying, mummy guilt and desperation to find anything to settle our usual calm and chilled out baby. We’ve tired gripe water, massage, teething granules, different teats, calpol... nothing seemed to work. All that has seemed to work is time...just riding the storm and waiting for things to die down.

Seeing through the haze has been almost impossibly hard. People keep saying “it will get better soon” and “it’s just a phase, don’t let it get to you” but they don’t seem to understand that it isn’t that easy. During those moments where Smidge was screaming, unsettled and refusing to drink any milk even though I knew he was hungry, I just couldn’t see it ever getting better. It felt like those moments were going to last forever and I would always feel as helpless and useless as I did at those times. I couldn’t see it getting better and I couldn’t stop it getting to me. I feel like I cried at least 4 times a day, every day last week. I lost my appetite, wasn’t sleeping right and just felt like I was the worst mother in the world for not knowing how to comfort her child. It felt even worse because this was my second baby! I had done this once already... why was I finding it so hard??
Time is making things better. Smidge seems to have got over the “leap” and is slowly going back to his old self but I still have these feelings creep in every now and again. Someone told me that talking about the way I feel and recognising that it wasn’t normal for me is the first step to feeling better. I’m going to keep an eye on things and if I’m not feeling back to normal (whatever normal is) in another week I’m going to have a chat with my health visitor because I didn’t realised that post natal depress could hit at any time. I thought that once you were out of those newborn days then you were clear but that’s not the case. These past 2 weeks have been harder than any of the newborn days and I can really understand how it could trigger some type of PND but for now I think the way I am feeling reflects just how hard I’ve found the last couple of weeks but I’m aware that it could be more.
But to anyone out there who can’t see through the haze I’m not going to say it will get better soon and to just keep on going as I know that doesn’t help. What I will say is know that you aren’t on your own. I know how you feel. I am in that haze and haven’t been able to see through it. As dark and lonely as it may seem now, remember you are not on your own. Message me on here, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter... anywhere. It doesn’t matter if it’s babbling and doesn’t make sense. Just talk to me or someone you trust because then they can hold your hand and show you that you aren’t alone in how you feel and with help you can try to find a way through this.
❤️

1 comment:

  1. Sending so much love. I remember this well (and we're about to go through the newborn days again in a few weeks!). I always found getting out of the house and going for a walk was the best thing, even when I didn't feel like it... or it took 3 hours to actually leave the house! xx

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