Do you ever stop and wonder if you are a nice person? In fact, what even makes a nice person? How do you measure how nice you are? Is it measured by how nice you feel you are or how nice the world perceives you to be? Is it based on how kind you are to yourself and to others? Does it depend on how many friends you have and how liked you are? What makes a person nice?
I’ve recently been feeling a whole host of emotions that I’m trying to work through and what a rollercoaster it has been. One of the biggest things I’ve been battling with is how likes I am and my need to feel validated. I think every one wants to be liked and I don’t believe that anyone actually enjoys beig disliked but what I can’t work out for the life of me is why I have such a deep set need to feel validated by others.
When I was in my early teens I wanted to be liked by everyone. I wanted to be friends with everyone, I hated ever falling out with people and I would happily apology even if I wasn’t in the wrong just so that I could be liked and not have to deal with confrontation. This was a theme that I actually carried with me into early adulthood and even in my mid twenties I still had this ridiculous need to be liked by everyone. I would be careful about what I said as I would have hated to have ever upset or offended someone. I felt like I would change myself and the way I acted to please people and to fit into which ever group or circle I was with. Back then, it didn’t matter what I thought or felt because as long as I was liked and I was popular then everything would be okay.
But then I became a Mother. I no longer wanted validation or to be liked as nothing else matter anymore. I learnt my self worth and how I felt was so much more important that what others felt of me. I had to be the best person I could possibly be for this little baby that depended on me. I needed to fight for what I believe in to make the world better for my babies. I needed to learn and understand what my core values and beliefs were so I could teach my children rather than be influenced by the thoughts of those around me just so that I could fit in. So that’s what I did. I took those people who didn’t bring me joy out of my life. If it caused me stress or pain then why did I need it? Those who I truly needed and wanted in my life accepted me for who I am. They didn’t try to change me or play mind games with me. There was never any jealously between us, only support, love and understanding. My circle became small but it became strong and that was all I needed. I had the family around me that loved me, believed in me and supported me along with friends who’s friendship is unconditional. I learnt that what you give in life is what you receive and sometimes you have to be picky as to who you give yourself too.
This wasn’t and still isn’t an easy thing to do though. Every now and again the old feelings start to creep back and the need for validation starts to grow again. It’s funny what triggers it. Most recently it has been triggered by being left out of something. An event that on paper you would have thought I would have been invited to, had a guest list without my name. My knee jerk reaction when I saw was the doubt myself. What had I done? Had I upset someone? Why wasn’t I liked? Should I apologise even though I don’t know what’s happened? Why wasn’t I invited? Am I a bad person? Am I not nice? Why don’t people want me? The hurt was there and the self doubt was real.
Then I stopped. I stopped all the noise and the questions and I gained some clarity. Firstly, would I want to go? Deep down in my heart of hearts was this something that I passionately wanted to do? Secondly, if I was invited and I did go what would it bring to my life? What would I gain and would it be worth it? And finally what was the real issue here? Why was I upset about not being invited? Was it because I wanted to go or was it because I wanted to be liked and included?
The truth was that I don’t think I did want to go. Going to this event wouldn’t have brought anything valuable to my life and in fact it could have potentially caused more negative thoughts and worry. When I was really honest with myself about why I was upset it wasn’t because I wasn’t invited. It was because I thought I wasn’t liked. The lack of invitation made me feel like I was being left out and therefore it wasn’t validating me in that friendship circle. The more I thought about this, the more I asked myself why I needed this validation so much. Why was I letting someone else’s thoughts and feelings about me get in the way of my happiness and positivity? The only validation I need is from myself and from those in my circle and I know I’ll always have that as those in my circle respect me enough to talk to me if ever there is an issue. No big deals are ever made and no dramas happen. It is mutual respect and love between a group of people who bring an invaluable amount of love and light into my life.
So what’s the point in all this? Well, it’s a reminder to me and to anyone else out there that you don’t need the validation of people who don’t bring joy into your life. The sooner you (and I) realise this the happier we can become and we will stop trying to please others and instead focus on pleasing ourselves and those we truly care about. No matter how lonely or disliked you may feel remember that there are always people out there who love you, respect you and like you for who you actually are, not who they want you to be ❤️
