Mental Health and Me | Blog

Hindsight is a wonderful thing isn't it? Your out of the moment so it allows you to gain some perspective and see things for what they really are. Hindsight has recently really opened my eyes and made me see that maybe my mental health isn't as stable and unshakable as I always thought it was. I've always been a very strong advocate in making your own happiness and if your unhappy then change it and I thought that was my view on mental health too but I've realised now that my opinion was wrong and very one layered. Mental health problems come in so many different forms and serveritys and after a lot of thinking I'm pretty sure that I have some problems that could have the opportunity to rear their ugly head at any point. Let me explain...

When I was about 15 ish I remember walking home from school and thinking in my head "if I can walk to the next lamppost before the next car drives past me then "xyz" will happen". It would always be something really silly and menial but I would believe it. As I got older and started driving I would do the same with traffic lights and it would be with more important things that I would be worrying about. For example, when we applied to rent our flat years ago I remember driving along and stopping at the lights and thinking to myself "if the light change to green by the time I could to 5 then we will get our flat". Writing it down in words it sounds completely ludicrous as how on earth would a traffic light be able to tell me if we would get our flat or not??? But at the time I believed that it was some kind of way of the universe or fate telling me what was going to happen.

Not only did I do the whole counting thing but I think that I also had some obsessive issues too. It would be all different things that I would get "addicted" too or obsessed with. When I was 15/16 years old it was about making sure people liked me. I really was obsessed with making sure people liked me and I fitted it. God knows why as I hardly speak to any of those people that I was trying to do share to fit in with now. As I got older it was about having a boyfriend. It wasn't for any other reason other than I just didn't want to be on my own. I needed to know that someone cared about me and found me attractive. It sounds so crazy now as in hindsight I had a loving family who were busy with with two young children yes but they loved me non the less.

The other obsession I had was food. I feel like all my adult life I've had a thing with food. I would secret eat when I was a teenager. I'd sneak down stairs and get biscuits or chocolate and secretly take it upstairs and binge eat. I'd then try and counter act what I'd eaten with exercise. Doing crunches in my room and leg lifts. As I got older and moved out I didn't secret eat anymore but food defiantly became a crutch for me which is why I put on so much weight. I didn't have to hide my eating anymore and just ate whatever I wanted which cause me to balloon.

Because of all of the things I'd done or experienced in the past I honestly thought that pregnancy was going to cause me some issues meantal health wise but I was shocked with what actually happened. It all stopped. I didn't do any counting or obsessive things (except cleaning but I think that was just a pregnancy thing). It all stopped and even once pickle was born nothing happened. I didn't experience any PND or baby blues... it all just stopped which to me was weird as in hindsight I would have expected for my mental health to have gone crazy with all the hormones and with having a new baby but it didn't happen. It was almost like pickle saved me and pulled me out of this mental health haze I was in and I can now see what was going on and what I was doing. He gave me something which was more important that myself and all the things around me. He gave me a totally selfless focus.

Don't get me wrong... it's still there. It's like a little bug that hides in the back of my mind and every now and again when I get stressed or anxious or worried it pops out and says "hey... why not count and ask a question to see what happens" but now I feel I have enough perspective to stop myself and pull myself away before I fall into the bugs trap again.

Mental health is something that I think is so underestimated especially by people like I used to be. I used to think that mental health was a load of rubbish and that it was a choice and people just needed to "snap out of it" but I now understand, in hindsight, that it's not. It's a serious thing that can affect anyone at any time! I'm just glad that, for now, pickle has pulled me out and I have become strong enough to not let myself fall back in again.

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