The Anonymous Mum

Do you ever feel like your anonymous? This is me right now. I feel anonymous. I feel like a vessel that just blends into the shoreline. Like a tree that has been in the woods for years and years that no one really notices. 

If I go back a couple of months ago I felt like I had an identiy. In fact, I had multiple identities. I was a wife and mother Ami, looking after a house, keeping everyone fed and healthy, making sure the fridge was stocked, doing enriching and educational things with Pickle like cooking and painting whilst still being chief cuddler and snuggling buddy. I was colleague Ami. I went to work, socialised with peers, helped customers and enjoyed my work. I was friend Ami, going out for drinks, replying to messages and arranging nights out. I was gym going Ami who loved Zumba and loosing weight. I was Am Dram Ami who was always looking for the next show or part. I had so many different threads to my bow but since having Smidge I feel like I have become anonymous. 

I sit all day snuggling my new baby or pumping milk or sterilising bottles or “resting” because my bleeding has started again or doing another load of washing. I feel like I’m stuck in a monotonous cycle and right now I just can’t get out. I love being a mummy and love my boys more than anything in the whole entire world but I miss being me. I miss going to the gym and seeing my friends and even doing the tiny things in life like having a bath. It’s like my life now revolves around what time I need to pump or when one or the children will need feeding. THIS IS NOT A “WOE IS ME” POST as I’m so grateful that I get to stay at home and raise my babies but sometimes it is hard. 

Being anonymous feels lonely and feels like your a bit invisible. You loose all sense of who you are. I feel like my body isn’t my own anymore, like I don’t recognise its new, saggy state and I can’t go and work out and make myself feel better as I need to give my body time to recover. I feel like my body has become a human mattress and milk machine for my squishy little baby. It’s no longer mine.  Everyone asks how the baby is and how he’s sleeping and feeding. They ask how Pickle is and how he is adapting to being a big brother. No one seems to stop and ask how I am. Maybe they are scared of the answer? Maybe I wouldn’t tell the truth anyway. Who knows? 

I know that, in time, I will get back to what I was and will find myself again. I also know that this is just a phase and soon it will seem like a distant memory but for now I’ll keep blending in. I’ll keep being the blur in the back of photos and I’ll keep being anonymous as I’m helping my boys find themselves and grow into who they will be. There will always be time for me to find myself again once they are grown. 

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