To the First Time Mum...  |  Blog

Before I had Pickle I was a full time bank manager who went out on date nights with my husband, saw my friends, did whatever I wanted whenever I wanted and was totally independent and free. I was confident in my body, my mind and my life. I had a place and knew my role at home, at work and socially. Then I had Pickle. My life was turned upside down, shaken around and then given back to me. Suddenly I was a mother and my whole life revolved around this tiny baby that I loved with an overwhelming and almighty love. I was at home every single day with my baby and could go for days without talking to anyone other than my husband when he came home from work. I had to plan where I wanted to go and when I wanted to go there around feeds and naps. My husband would come home and immediately take over parenting duties so I could get our house in some kind of order meaning that we were become like ships in the night. Friends that I’d had before started to slip away as I forgot to reply to messages or had to turn down invitations out as I was too exhausted to consider being out past 9pm. My post baby body felt alien to me and I lost my confidence. I felt lost, alone and overwhelmed in this new role that I knew was coming but yet I felt totally under prepared for. 

I remember what my weeks used to be like when Pickle was a baby. Tuesday and Friday were the days that I lived for. Tuesday was baby weighing day and I’d meet another mum there that I’d started to speak to and we’d get the babies weighed, then stay at the children’s centre for a stay and play. Then on Fridays we would go to the same children’s centre for a stay and play. For those 6 hours a week I found a small part of me that I thought I’d lost. For those short 6 hours I was Ami again. I chatted about things other than babies, I drank coffee and most importantly I didn’t feel alone or lost. But when it would be time to go home, I wouldn’t want to go. I’d leave the children’s centre and take the LONGEST route home that I could. A journey that should have taken 15 minutes would take me 40 because I would drive all around until I came back. At the time I told myself it was so that Pickle could sleep in the car but in reality it was so that I didn’t have to go back home and face my new, lonely life. 

The worst part of this was that I thought I was a bad person for feeling the way I did. I didn’t tell anyone how I felt because I thought they would see me as ungrateful or selfish. I didn’t even tell my husband or Mum. Why should I be feeling lonely and lost? I loved my baby more than life itself and he brought me so much joy and happiness. Snuggling in to him and breathing him in flooded me with a love that made my heart hurt. He was healthy and happy , we lived in lovely house, I had “friends” and a loving husband. All I could see what that I had a baby that needed me for everythingand  that I would give anything for but I felt like I didn’t know what I was doing. I had a house that was a mess and that I wasn’t looking after, friends that might send me the occasional message but that I’d started to loose because I could invest in the relationship anymore and a husband that I barely spoke to about anything else other than our baby. 

Motherhood was a lonely place to be which was ironic as I was never alone. 

I felt like this until I went back to work when Pickle was 9 months old. Going back to work was so good for me because it helped me gain some sort of normality and a different purpose than just being a mother. I found Ami again and with that it made me a better Mum. I was happier, more confident and felt like I wasn’t alone anymore. Finally the lonely fog lifted and I could see how much of a rut I was in. 

I hadn’t told anyone about how I felt all of those years ago as I felt ashamed and embarrassed that I’d felt like I had. It was like a shameful secret that I’d kept for fear of being judged as a bad mother. A secret that I’d kept until recently. 

Having a second baby made me realise how lonely it is when you’re a first time Mum. You loose all sense of yourself and no matter how much you love and care for your new baby, you can be totally lost. You are adjusting to this new role that you’ve been thrown into all whilst trying to wade through a sea of hormones and emotions that you’ve probably never felt before and whilst trying to learn how to be a mother. But, know this... no matter how lonely you feel, remember that you are never alone. I’ve learnt that it wasn’t just me who didn’t want to come home, so many other mothers I know were the same... we just never talk about it because we are too embarrassed to. It’s not shameful or wrong to miss your old life and to find it hard toadjust  your new role and as hard as it may be I urge you to talk! Talk to your mum, your friends, people on social media... anyone because I know that if you do you will find that you aren’t alone in the way you feel. And that in itself will help you to find your way though. 

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