28.2.20

The fear... | Blog


Have you ever heard of the fear? No I'm not talking about the kind of beer fear that comes from drinking too uh the night before and forgetting what it is that you did. I'm talking about the Parenting Fear. The fear that seems to come hand in hand like some foreboding ghost with everything you do. The fear comes with the big things as well as the small things but that can literally leave you shaken to the core. That's the fear I'm talking about. 



I remember the first night we brought Pickle home all those years ago. We took him upstairs when it was time for us to attempt to go to sleep and fed him some milk. He fell asleep whilst I was feeding him so I gentle laid him down in his Moses basket which was at the foot of our bed. 
‘This isn’t that bad…he’s asleep so I can sleep for a bit now’ 
I thought to myself. Well how wrong I was. I laid down and closed my eyes and listened to the silence. 
Why was it so quite? 
Was Pickle still breathing? 
Was he okay? 
Oh my God what if he’s stopped breathing and died from cot death like I’ve been warned so many times? 

I leapt out of bed (I say leapt, I’d just given birth so it was more of a quick, painful drag) and scooted down to the end of the bed to check on him. There he was breathing gently and sleeping soundly. He was fine. I knew he would be fine but when I’d been laying in bed, listening to the silence, the fear meant that Pickle was not going to be okay, no matter how hard the rational voice in my mind tried to be hear. 
Was he too hot? 
Was he breathing?
Had he pulled the blanket over his head?
Had the side of the Moses basket somehow become detached and fallen on him? 
All of it was totally irrational but I was so scared something would happen to my beautiful little baby. So much so that for that first night at home Hubby and I actually slept at the foot of the bed and I pretty much had my hand on him all night long so that I could feel him breathing. Ridiculous in hindsight? Yes. Terrifying at the time? Yes! The fear makes you do some crazy things.

It’s not just the big things that the fear gets you with. It’s the tiny things too. In that first week after having Pickle I found myself worrying about pretty much everything. People washing their hands before they touched him. Had I put enough milk powder in the bottle? Was he too hot or too cold? (this one was such a worry of mine that my Mum used to laugh because I’d always know what temperature Pickle should be and what he actually was. I also had a room thermometer in pretty much every single room PLUS a little one that plugged into your phone should you ever need it!). Google became my best (and worst) friend and I was constantly searching every question that popped into my head because when you are alone with the most precious thing in your world and the craziest of questions, who else is there to ask?

It was like a haze had descended over me and I couldn’t see straight. Everything revolved around this new little life that I had created and been left to protect and nurture. It was overwhelming. When I had Smidge a few years later I thought the fear wouldn't come with him. I done it before and overcome the fear so what did I have to worry about this time. Turns out, EVERYTHING! Except this time it came with a whole new load of fear. 
Was Pickle feeling left out?
Was I spending enough time with Smidge?
I should be cuddling him to sleep like I did Pickle. 
I shouldn't have to be sticking him in the pram when it's cold and rainy but I've got to do the school run . 
I feel awful for having to fit Smidges naps in around our lives. 
It was like the fear came back with his good old buddy guilty and together they made a blinder of a team! So much so that they even managed to cause a little bit of post natal depression for me but that's another story for another day. 

Babies don’t come with an instruction manual and even if they did it wouldn’t be any use because every single baby is different and NONE of them would be able to tell you how to over come the fear. The fear is inevitable, it's natural and it's there because you are an amazing Mum and that is what you need to remember. There are no classes that can teach you how to deal with motherhood. Yes, there are classes that teach you how to breastfeed and how to do baby massage or yoga but no one is there to tell you want to do when your baby hasn’t stopped crying for the past 30 minutes no matter what you do or when you baby has done an explosive poo all down you, all over the bed whilst he is screaming because he is hungry and you have no baby wipes or nappies to hand (true story right there!). Just trust that you are doing your best and know that the fear will one day start to subside..until they start school and then that is a whole other world of fear to content with!! 






1 comment:

  1. Haha I so remember you thermometer obsession...but you have 2 lovely but if very different boys,, you and hubby should both be proud of yourselves..unfortunately you never stop worrying as a mum,, then it suddenly all flips and the child becomes the one worrying about the parent like I now do nan..xxx

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