What I was... | Blog

Recently I haven't been able to stop reminiscing and thinking about what used to be. I'm not sure if it's because I recently had a really vivid dream about our old flat, the fact I've had 00's play lists on repeat or if it's because I'm speedily hurtling towards my 31st birthday but something has happened to make me think about what was. Let me take you back and paint you a picture of what I was...

Lets goes back almost 8 years. I was living with my boyfriend (now my Hubs) in a one bedroom flat right near Southend high street. It was a rented flat with magnolia wall, an awful damp problem in the bedroom and little stained glass windows above each of the internal doors. We had a little IKEA sofa that we'd brought when we got the flat and we'd driven home with it in the back of Hub's old ford escort. We had a fish tank which I always forgot to clean out and had 2 hardcore fish in it (plecky and Philippe) that never seemed to be bothered. We never had a meal plan. There was a Sainsbury store across the road that we we used the visit to get dinner and bits as and when we needed it. We had a front door that we never ever used as we always came in the back door and we didn't have a garden, just a little bit of grass on a verge by the back door. Lookng back, that flat would not be somewhere I'd choose to live now. The area isn't exactly the safest and the flat itself wasn't in the best condition. I used to spend nights in there on my own and would even sometimes fall asleep without locking the door. The thought of that makes my belly flip now as I couldn't imagine ever doing that. It was small and pokey and it wasn't much, but it was our first home and I'll always hold a little bit of that cruddy flat in my heart.

I know that my thoughts of our flat have come about from the really vivid dream I had recently where we were living in that flat with the boys, but it's not just that that I have been thinking about. I've also been thinking about what our life used to be and what I was. Our life was so spontaneous and care free. We had no worries and would do pretty much whatever we liked when ever we liked. I often wonder what we used to do with our time. I try to remember what it was like to stay in bed until midday watching Friends and re runs of family guy. We never used to whisper when we went to bed... why would we have needed to? We’d lay in bed chatting and being silly. Now it’s like a silent ninja operation to get to bed without disturbing the boys. I try to remember a time where I could be selfish? Anyone remember what that was like? I used to have no one to worry about but myself. I used to be able to do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted (within reason obviously) and without having to prep, plan, pack bags and organise everything. What I was is pretty unrecognisable to what I am now.

Something have changed for obvious reasons. I have to be more organised as I have 2 children to get to places. I have to plan and prep as I work and time is limited at home so by making sure things like the meal plan is done, it makes life easier all round. There are something that have changed within me though which I didn't really even realise. In one way I worry more and in another I worry less. So I find that I worry less about the small stuff now. I used to worry about if people liked me or not or if I'd upset someone but now I feel like life is too short to worry about things like that so I just don't. On the flip side, I worry more about big things like illness, death and blah blah blah!! I think that is what most parents worry about though right?

It's funny when I think back about what my life was and what I was 9 years ago. Things were unrecognisable to what my life is now. I've gone from being a 21 year old living with my boyfriend in their rented flat working full time and spending her weekends at the pub or in bed to an almost 31 year old wife and mother of 2 who is a homeowner, pet owner, works part time at 2 jobs and spends her weekends baking, playing with play doh and being a cuddle monster and poorly part kisser. I may not be what I was but that isn't necessarily a bad thing.

What sticks out in your mind most about your what you were? Let me know in the comments as I'd love to hear!

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